ADVICE TO AKSHAY

First off,let's be clear on the basics.

We girls totally,wholly, absolutely love your boyish charm.How you manage to grin like an unsuspecting 18 year old at 44 remains such a mystery for all of us .Yeah,even for us great grand daughters.
So also the way you act stupidly unaware of all the feminine wiles in the world.Remember how you were 'almost' raped by Priyanka Chopra in Aitraaz? We do love such good retarded-into 14-at 44 shots from you.Occasionally.

But then that's not what I'm about to tell you in this post.It's some as-good-as honey, no-box office-scare ADVICE.It works.Even for amnesic superstars like you.

I am not going to count your box office blahs in the past year.I value my time.

So let's go over this and be done .Quickie.

Just don't do the following in your next and it might stand a chance at winning.

1) Don't grin like a fool meeting other fools.Of course you have perfectly set teeth and we know you do bleach them a lot but spare us from thinking that the current role is an extension from the last,which did not make an impression either.

2) Don't have so much of bikini meat around you.It distracts your young and upcoming fans a lot.If you were planning to draw attention to ur nearly nonexistent character by contrast of skin,sorry,it's not working.

3)Don't make your heroines look like fools.And don't try to reform Us
Sonam Kapoor's intelligence might be short like her skirt,but trust me,the rest of us girls are better.We don't mind you pulling our leg now and then,but not everytime.Even if that's for tripping her into your well toned arms.Give it a break,okays?

4)Miscellaneous
What else,you do dance well but please don't jump into the middle when the leading lady is shaking her booty.You may take it over from the sides but please don't jump in like a hay wired chimpanzee. Like you did in "Blue" with Kylie Minogue.Or recently with Katrina Kaif when she was risking her stomach to outplay Shakira with all her stlyled "Jawani".Your male fans would think you prudish,if you try to..aahem..cover them GIRLS with your hysteric antics.

That's all for now,I think,Mr.Khiladi.I shall let you know again when I hear you're vying for,let's say,an award at the IIFA.

How I was ragged at the Big bazaar

Ah..you won't believe this but this has really ,truly happened.I was ragged at the Big bazaar.Or so I felt at first.

Here I was, riding the sneaky escalator down to the ground floor of the famous Big B shop in the city.Since I was quite sadistically enjoying my PMS urge to shop, my eyes naturally sought out the cosmetics range.I was looking for a favorite brand of cologne when a lady practically pounced on me from behind the shelf.

Even though people were all around me,nudging around others to grab things which they don't want,I was thoroughly shocked.Who is this lady?Whatever did she want from me?Then I noticed that she was a shop assistant.What the hell?

In the confusion I had missed the beginning of what this woman was saying.Now that I did come back to my senses,it sounded somewhat like this.."..so you should use this product ma'am.Just one wash and all that unnecessary tan will vanish.See,there are dark spots on your face especially near the cheeks.That won't do..you should really use this and get fair.I can get you a special discount for this...."

Ahhh!..insult to injury.How dare she speak to me like that?Dark spots?UNNECESSARY Tan?Want to be fair..wtf?

Glowering at her,I turned back from the counter,determined to report her insolent behaviour to the floor manager. Or whichever dumb head who was responsible for setting her on the unsuspecting customers.

Just then a tiny voice stopped me on my tracks .."Ma'am ,please don't report me to the manager.I am terribly sorry if you're offended."

It was the same sales girl.Before I could say anything ,she continued,"this is a new product and two of us are given the task of promoting it to our female customers.All that we got as a briefing was "think of them as you and sell the product".If we don't manage to sell at least three a day,our salary will be cut down.Please..please don't report me"

I took a closer look and found that she was in truth,a girl in her early 20s.Someone like me.But then she had freckles.Her face was tanned.It worn a defeated look,tired from the struggle,the challenge of tackling angry-rich customers and the imminent threat of losing out on her job.And that same look gave her the presence of a middle aged woman.

If some MBA clad fool tells her to sell a high end beauty product to the customers, 'thinking it was she ' in their place,she had no other way but to pounce.And fall flat on her meager paycheck.Or get slapped by some beauty conscious,pouting snob.

Suddenly I felt glad she pounced on me.Smiling at the sheer madness of it all,I asked how many had she managed to sell so far

"Just one ma'am..in the morning."

I picked up two and went away.Looking back would have been too much.

Besides,my sister too had the tan.Just like me :):)

Yes, I'm Applauding Madness

Yes..finally!
I am openly applauding madness.
So far,it's just been me,my writings,the way i dress or the occasional facebook stabs at dull,two legged men.
Not anymore.
Like the crazy music lover who was so into the music that he forgot to stand up and applaud,
I've been absorbed into the center of the whirlpool..I just forgot what I was really after.
Just found it..it's this blog.

So,from today onwards..am gonna stand up in the gallery and applause,madly at all the madness that's happening around.Might include some pretty nasty takes on how i feel,how others made me feel and how am going to set some records very very straight:)

Land ho!